So it's 1 AM and I have to ...

... really use the bathroom.

But-

I told  myself I'd do an entry before I went. Basically being able to go to the bathroom will be my reward to myself.  (Yeah, I'm weird)

So I wanted to talk about the dream I had last night. This dream, I concluded, came to me because I read an article a couple weeks ago about a woman who managed to escape from trafficking. Her story was so horrific that I became quite emotional and freshly aware of the evilness that exists in our world. This was what my dream was about. Only this time, I was the one trapped.

I remember the dream starting out as either 1- I had to rescue a friend from trafficking, and in order to help her I had to give myself up to it, or 2- my friend was kidnapped and I knew I needed to save her so somehow I ended up being trapped with her... I guess those two are pretty similar. Whatever. I can't remember 100%.

Anyway, from what I remember of the dream, there was a group of girls and a group of boys and we were all kept in this building. I remember constantly being on edge and apologizing all the time in fear of being disciplined in a very harsh way. There was one leader and his team. I remember him wanting to have his way with one of the other girls and I volunteered to join her so she wouldn't have to suffer alone. I also remember being held down and forced to take a shot of something (by shot I mean a syringe). As I was being injected I remember thinking that this is how they keep us trapped and from trying to escape. I feel completely helpless and that I'd never be free again.

I remember the way we had to bathe. We were given very little water to wash ourselves with and everyone had to wash together. In the dream we still had our clothes on though... so that was kind of weird. There was only one instance where I managed to find a way to escape. I remember running so fast through a neighborhood and ended up at this house that was shaped like an apple and once I got inside I noticed the outer portion of the house was spinning. I thought I was safe. Lo and behold I entered the home of this elderly lady who actually knew about the trafficking going on down the road. She returned girls to the traffickers! So when I realized that that's what she was going to do I tried to escape her house and get away. I don't remember what happened in between but somehow I ended up back at the building we were kept in.

I felt like a child. Like a child who wasn't allowed to do any wrong or else be punished. During this dream I was never punished but always felt threatened.

Another crazy thing was that my boyfriend was there, too. He was in the boys group. I wasn't allowed to talk with him very often. One time we crossed paths and I patted his leg as we walked by each other and the leader looked back at me like I shouldn't have tried anything and I immediately apologized. The only other time I saw my boyfriend was during bathing time. We were waiting our turn and had time to talk. I don't remember what we talked about.

That was basically the extent of the dream that I had. I woke up feeling like total crap. Couldn't stop thinking about what I had just dreamed about. Talked to my boyfriend about it and started getting emotional because I know that things like this happen to people every day... and I just can't imagine what it must really be like.

Just remembering the way I felt in the dream was enough. I can't fathom what a real experience would be like. Having your rights taken away. Being watched like a hawk. Not being able to make mistakes or do what you want. Not having any control whatsoever. You're just a thing being used to make money for the scum of the earth that deserve to be in the deepest level of hell.

I'm still not sure why I even had this dream. If I just felt so bad for this lady but thrilled that she managed to escape? Was I feeling sympathetic or empathetic? I don't know... all I know is that I want to help women like her but I don't really know how. It's such a scary thing. To think she got involved because she dated a guy who ended up being one of these traffickers. I mean... how could she have had any idea that that was going to happen. I wish I could have saved her. I'd love to save them all.

Have any of you had horrendous dreams to this extent or worse? Feel free to post a comment describing your experience in dream land.

I may touch upon this topic at a later date since nature is screaming at me now.

emelitsuki
Emily

                                                 

http://openclipart.org/detail/106417/yoni-by-martinbryce

Avoiding the public when you think you look bad.

I go through this a lot... though I've been caring less lately.

Today, I especially was not interested in running errands. Not necessarily because I thought I looked unpresentable but because I'm just so physically exhausted. Let me explain.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I, and our two friends drove down to Virgina (in separate cars) to attend a Magic Grand Prix (look that up if you don't know what that is). 8 hours down, 3 days at the event, 8 hours back (my bf drove that last 4 hrs). Just the driving was exhausting all in itself. We got back Monday morning around 3:30am. I couldn't get to sleep right away but when I finally managed to I had to wake back up around 10 to get ready for work (my one part-time job is a housekeeper). My hip was acting kind of funny from being in the same position all those hours driving. My shin muscle area, not the calves, was sore on my right leg. Needless to say, after work I didn't want to do anything. And I didn't until Wednesday.

It snowed again. And mother nature dumped a shit ton of snow in our area. I didn't have to go in to work that day because my boss didn't want me out on the roads (she's awesome like that). Around noon I decided to shovel while the driveway was still easy enough to. There were only a few inches at this time so I could just push the snow with the shovel to the side of the driveway. This whole process took about an hour and fifteen minutes or so. The end of the driveway was the hardest since when the plows come through, everything from the road gets piled up there (I live on a busy street, too, so they came through quite frequently). This took a little more effort. After I had finally finished I could already tell my arm was going to be quite sore. My right shoulder especially started feeling tight.

Quick background story-  having someone plow our driveway is part of our rent. I didn't have to shovel. I only did because sometimes the guy who plows us doesn't come. And trust me, I've let the landlady know.

I wanted to make the driveway a little easier to get out of by the time my bf had to go to work. It kept snowing and snowing, and soon it looked like I hadn't done jack out there. So...I got in contact with the landlady and asked her to see if the guy who plows us wouldn't mind coming out before my bf had to leave for work (we have a small Hyundai Accent...). Shockingly he actually did the job around 4:30, half an hour before my bf was planning on leaving. Sweet. So that worked out splendidly and my bf made it safely to work.

Today is the day after my shoveling adventure. I had to go in to work since I didn't go yesterday. My right hand is sore, when I stretch it out I can feel it in my thumb area. Shoulders, back, and just an all around feeling of blah.

I don't want to do anything. No dishes, no laundry, nothing. It's driving me crazy because I want to get things done, but right now I couldn't give a flying duck. (I don't even want to make a video!)

*****Back to the topic of this entry (sorry it took so long to get back to it)*****.

Just dropped off my bf at work and on the way back home I was contemplating grabbing a couple things at the store. It's Thursday (which is pay day for many folk) and it was rush hour. For one, I simply wasn't in the mood to deal with crowds, and two, my overwhelming blahness completely suppressed any desire I had to grab the few things I needed. And yes, I was not showered and with no makeup so that was probably the third reason.

Like I said at the beginning of this post: I've been caring less and less about looking my best in public. When shit needs to get done and I'm already out of the house for some other reason, I'm not going to run home and make myself up and then go out again. It's a waste of time. I've been practicing this a lot within the past year because I realized something. I don't give a damn if someone else isn't wearing make up or looking pretty. So why would I care so much about how others are perceiving me if most of them are probably not giving a damn as well!? The only time I have to give a damn is for my other work that I do.

If I didn't feel like crap physically, I probably would have said "fuck it" and gone in anyway. My boyfriend needs some food stuffs for when I'm gone for another two days (yay for another 3.5 hr drive!)

I guess the whole point of this post is to say that it's OK to feel too exhausted to do something. It's OK to not wear makeup outside of the house. It's OK to not give a damn about what other people think of you!
And of course, it's OK to not run an errand if you're not comfortable doing so.

Do it later! Do it when there are less people around. Do it on another day where you feel better! The only thing I have to say is just make sure you do it as soon as possible if it's a very important errand.

I think I'll end this post here because frankly I'm getting too tired to think anymore.
Definitely going to bed earlier tonight after I pack >_<


I hope this post wasn't too long and drawn out for you guys. And I hope you at least got something out of it.
Thanks for taking the time to read. Until next time!

emelitsuki
Emily

Can't wait to sleep like a baby...
morguefile.com

Can an introvert become more outgoing through YouTube?

That will be the experiment I am conducting on myself from here on out.

A bit of background: I grew up in a family who, compared to others I've encountered, are pretty reserved. They didn't really talk about their feelings that often and really didn't have many discussions amongst each other anyway. My senior year of high school I won the female half of "Quietest" which I didn't necessarily agree with because within my group of friends I thought I was a bit more outgoing than not. Perhaps that was just my thinking.

I grew up in the Mormon church and attended until I was about 15 or so. I have not been back since. However, I believe that a lot of what I was taught has stuck with me (more or less). Modesty, decent language, not drinking, kindness, morals etc... Over the years, as I look back, I can see that I've let myself get on the darker side of these things. I know I act differently in public than I do at home (is that pretty common?). Not extremely different, but I'm a little rough around the edges sometimes at home.

Anyway.

Some of my personal struggles are eloquence, articulation, and coherence when it comes to speaking. My goal with my new YouTube journey is to try and improve these skills. I have heard from others that since they're just talking to a camera they're totally OK, but when it comes to talking to people it becomes a different story. I fear that that may happen to me anyway. But of course if I don't think about that, perhaps I can overcome even that hurdle. I guess we'll see.

I'm better at expressing my thoughts through writing, as I'm sure many others can agree. Writing allows time for your brain to process things and express your thoughts pretty near exactly how you want to express them. As with speaking, as soon as you say the words it's too late to do any revising. That's what makes it a tougher thing to be good at. A lot of people are great at it! And I'm glad I'm not alone as an introvert. I know there are many others who struggle with the same things I do and I hope we can help each other to grow ( if that's what you want of course).

I have already made my first video. You can view it here. It's weird for me to be seeing myself and hearing myself talk. I'm definitely not used to that yet. I wasn't talking too loud for fear of being heard. Haha. That's another thing I'd like to get better at is not caring what people think and practicing talking a little louder in public.                  

I guess that pretty much sums it up for now. I'm starting this new adventure in hopes of becoming a stronger, more dynamic and fearless person. I hope that you all will accompany me in this journey and have lots of fun along the way! =)  Thanks for reading!

Emily
emelitsuki

A picture from my visit to the park where I shot my first video!